The Problem with Quick-Fix Relationship Advice on Social Media
In the age of social media, it's hard to scroll through Instagram or TikTok without encountering quick-fix relationship advice. You’ve likely come across phrases like:
“If they really wanted to, they would.”
“Never settle for anything less than perfect.”
“If they truly loved you, they’d never hurt you.”
“Leave at the first sign of a red flag.”
While these phrases might sound empowering on the surface, they often oversimplify the complexities of real human relationships. As a counsellor who works with individuals and couples, I see how these one-size-fits-all pieces of advice can create unrealistic expectations and even harm relationships.
In this blog, let's unpack one of the most common phrases you'll encounter on social media—“If they really wanted to, they would”—and explore why it's not as straightforward as it sounds.
The Myth of "If They Really Wanted To, They Would"
This phrase suggests that if someone truly cares for you, they will effortlessly meet all your needs, desires, and expectations. While it may seem like an empowering mantra to follow, it actually misses the mark in terms of understanding human relationships.
The reality is that relationships are complex and nuanced. People aren't always able to meet your needs in the ways you expect, and that's okay. Let's look at a few key factors social media relationship advice often overlooks:
1. Trauma and the Fear of Vulnerability
People who have experienced trauma or have a deep fear of rejection may struggle to express care, even though they feel it deeply. This doesn’t mean they don’t care; rather, it may be a result of past wounds that make it hard to show love or meet your needs in the way you might want. These emotional barriers can prevent individuals from feeling safe enough to fully engage or open up, no matter how much they want to.
2. Different Ways of Showing Love
Another important point is that we all express love differently. Some people may show they care by acts of service, while others may express it through words or physical affection. Just because someone doesn’t express love in the way you expect doesn’t mean they don’t care. The key is understanding each other’s love languages and communicating effectively about them.
3. Mental Health and Burnout
In today’s fast-paced world, mental health struggles and burnout can affect our ability to show up for others, even when we truly care. Stress, work demands, and personal challenges can drain our energy, making it difficult to put in the effort needed in relationships. This doesn’t mean someone is unwilling or uncaring—it might simply reflect their current capacity to give.
4. The Importance of Self-Reflection
While it’s easy to focus on what the other person is or isn’t doing, it’s also essential to engage in self-reflection. Ask yourself:
Have I communicated my needs clearly?
Are there assumptions or unspoken expectations that I might be holding?
“Relationships are messy. Humans are messy. Embracing this messiness is key to building healthy, empathetic connections”
Sometimes, the way we behave in relationships—whether through emotional distance, criticism, or unhealed past wounds—can unintentionally contribute to the dynamics we experience. It's important to consider how we might be influencing the other person's willingness or ability to make an effort.
For example, if you express disappointment or criticism, your partner might fear making mistakes and hold back from being vulnerable with you. Recognising how your reactions can create this fear helps you shift the dynamic and make space for more openness and connection.
Embracing the Nuance
Reducing relationships to oversimplified, black-and-white phrases does a disservice to the complexity of human beings. It fails to account for the emotional intricacies that shape how we behave in relationships.
The truth is: Relationships are messy. Humans are messy. Embracing this messiness is key to building healthy, empathetic connections. Instead of holding onto rigid rules, let’s embrace the idea that there is often more going on beneath the surface than we can see at first glance.
So, the next time you encounter a phrase like “If they really wanted to, they would,” remember: relationships are about more than just what’s visible on the outside. They’re about understanding each other’s experiences, fears, and vulnerabilities—and being compassionate in the process.
Need Support in Navigating Relationship Struggles?
If you find that quick-fix advice isn’t helping you feel more connected, you’re not alone. Understanding and healing from relationship patterns can take time and support. I work with individuals and couples to help explore relationship dynamics, improve communication, and foster emotional growth.
If you’re ready to take the next step toward a healthier relationship with yourself and others, contact me today to learn more about how therapy can help.