Perfectionism: Driving You Towards Excellence or Burnout?

Perfectionism is often admired, but is it truly serving you, or pushing you toward burnout?

Think back to your early life experiences. Were you praised for achievements, for being well-behaved, or for putting others first? These early experiences can shape our self-image, turning the pursuit of excellence into a measure of self-worth. Over time, perfectionism becomes less about doing your best and more about striving to meet impossible standards to avoid feelings of inadequacy.

The Trap of Perfectionism

The thing with perfectionism is that it ties our self-worth to unrealistic standards. When we inevitably fall short, feelings of inadequacy and shame can set in, eroding our sense of self. Over time, we may find ourselves in a constant state of striving for something just out of reach.

Perfectionism often stems from deeper emotional needs—the desire to feel seen, heard, and validated. For those who grew up often feeling dismissed or overlooked, perfectionism can become a way to gain recognition and approval. It’s as though the message becomes, "If I’m perfect, I’ll finally be worthy of attention and love."

Perfectionism can also arise from growing up in an unpredictable or inconsistent environment. As children, we crave safety and stability. When that’s lacking—whether through chaos or emotional neglect—we might turn to perfectionism as a way to create order. It becomes a strategy to manage the unpredictability around us.

However, when we rely on external achievements or flawless behaviour to feel worthy, we’re setting ourselves up for a constant battle with feelings of inadequacy. Rather than feeling secure in who we are, we chase an unattainable standard, hoping it will fill the void created by past experiences of invalidation or instability.

“when we rely on external achievements or flawless behaviour to feel worthy, we’re setting ourselves up for a constant battle with feelings of inadequacy”

Control and Perfectionism

One of the main ways we cope with feeling unseen or navigating instability is through CONTROL.

Control can manifest in obvious ways—organising every detail, micromanaging, or feeling the need to stay on top of things. You might even identify as a ‘control freak.’

But control can also take more subtle forms, like overthinking every decision, over-intellectualising feelings and situations, or holding yourself to impossibly high standards (hello again, perfectionism!). These are all ways we attempt to manage uncertainty and avoid feeling out of control.

Perfectionism and Burnout

Perfectionism keeps us in a heightened state of alert—as if we're constantly facing a threat. However, instead of a bear in the forest, the threats we perceive are failure, rejection, and loss of control.

This chronic stress can eventually lead to physical and emotional exhaustion. Fatigue, anxiety, and emotional detachment are common consequences of living in this heightened state for too long. Instead of protecting us, the stress response fuels perfectionistic behaviour, creating a vicious cycle—one that can eventually lead to burnout.

Understanding Perfectionism Through Internal Family Systems

In the therapeutic model of Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Richard C. Schwartz, perfectionism is seen as a ‘protective part of ourselves’. It shields us from uncomfortable feelings, such as fear or insecurity, and tries to create a sense of safety through control.

This perfectionistic part often clashes with the parts of us that crave rest, acceptance, or simply being “good enough.” The result is internal conflict.

Working with perfectionism involves recognising the discomfort that arises when we try to resist its demands. For some, it’s about letting go of the need to control how others perceive them. For others, it’s about finding a balance between feeling safe in their environment and accepting that not everything can be controlled.

Compassion for Your Inner Child

Many people discover that their perfectionistic tendencies stem from childhood parts of themselves—those parts that sought external validation or attempted to control their environment to feel secure. Meeting these ‘parts’ with compassion, curiosity, and openness is essential to living a more balance life.

Learning to trust in your ability to handle uncertainty and unpredictability is a key step towards loosening perfectionism’s grip. Through therapy, you can begin to nurture a more balanced and self-compassionate relationship with yourself.

If this blog resonates with you and you’re ready to work collaboratively with someone to integrate your past and present experiences, so that you can create more balance and authenticity in your life, I’d love to hear from you.

I offer 15 minute discovery calls to help us determine whether we’re a good fit for each other. And if we’re not, I’m always happy to offer recommendations for other therapists.