Four Relationship Faux Pas
Let’s delve into a crucial aspect of establishing a robust foundation for your relationship: the art of managing conflict and communication. Dr. John Gottman introduced the concept known as "the Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse” following an extensive study on relationships. These represent specific negative communication patterns that can be particularly detrimental to relationships. Recognising these patterns and working towards adopting healthier communication strategies is paramount. Doing so can significantly contribute to maintaining a respectful and meaningful connection with one another.
The Four Horsemen
1. Criticism: This involves attacking your partner's character or personality rather than addressing a specific behaviour or issue.
Antidote: Opt for a gentle start-up that avoids blame and promotes understanding.
Example:
Complaint: “I was worried when you were running late and didn’t call. We agreed to do that for each other”
Criticism: “You never think about anyone else. You just think about yourself”
2. Defensiveness: This is characterised by self-protection through a stance of righteous indignation, which often fails to resolve the underlying problem. It can also involve indirect blame on your partner.
Antidote: Accept your partner's perspective and take responsibility for your role in the conflict, offering an apology if necessary.
Example:
“Did you call David to let him know that we won’t make it to tomorrow?”
Defensive response: “I was busy today. You know how much I have on my plate right now. Why didn’t you do it?”
Non-defensive response: “Oops I forgot. I should have asked you earlier to do it because I knew that I would have a lot going on today. I’ll call him right now”
3. Contempt: This manifests as expressions of superiority through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, and insults. Contempt is a significant predictor of relationship breakdown.
Antidote: Foster a culture of appreciation and respect. Practice gratitude for positive actions and behaviours.
Example: Partner comes home from work and says “I’m tired”
Contempt: “You’re tired? I’ve been with the kids all day and I’ve hardly had time to catch my breath. And you’re the one that’s tired?”
Non-contemptous: “I hear you. Me too. I was hoping we could share the load and support each other. Could we take turns in the evening to make it more manageable for us?”
4. Stonewalling: This occurs when one person withdraws from the conversation without resolving the issue. They may physically walk away or ignore the situation.
Antidote: Practice physical self-soothing by taking a break and engaging in activities that provide comfort and distraction.
Example: You were arguing with your partner and they suddenly stop talking and withdraw. Instead of addressing the issues, they’re distracted, act like they’re busy and ignore you.
Take time out for yourself - call a timeout. Take a break and do something that calms you down such as go to the gym, go for a walk, meditate, listen to music, watching something funny on YouTube. Return to the conversation when you’re in a better headspace.
Spotting these sneaky Four Horsemen in your conflicts?
Identifying them is the first step to eliminating them, but this knowledge is not enough. Swapping them out with their healthier counterparts is key.
Are you and your partner stuck in a negative cycle but recognise that you both want change?
I offer in-person and online relationship counselling in Essendon North, 10km from the Melbourne CBD.
Book a free consultation here.