When Narcissism Is an Adaptive Response: The Childhood Wounds We Overlook
When we hear the word narcissism, it often brings to mind traits like self-absorption or an inflated sense of self-importance. But what if these behaviours aren’t about superiority at all? What if they’re shaped by how we made sense of the world as children - in environments that didn’t always meet our emotional needs?
The Ego-Centric View of Childhood: A Survival Lens, Not a Flaw
As children, we make sense of our experiences through an ego-centric lens. It’s not selfishness - it’s developmental. In the absence of more nuanced thinking, we naturally assume that everything happens because of us or to us. When something painful happens - a parent withdraws, a teacher yells, or a friend rejects us, we tend to think, “This must be my fault. There must be something wrong with me.”
This early way of understanding the world helps us survive, but it can also distort how we see ourselves. Rather than recognising the complexity of the adults around us, we internalise their behaviour. And that internalisation often sounds like shame.
Over time, these beliefs can quietly shape our identity - leading us to feel unworthy, overly responsible for others' emotions, or hypersensitive to criticism. These traits may look like narcissism on the outside. But on the inside? They often reflect deep self-doubt and relational wounding.
“Without the right emotional scaffolding, we internalise painful experiences and carry the belief that we must be the problem.”
What Happens Without Emotional Scaffolding?
Painful moments in childhood don’t always lead to long-term distress. What makes a difference is whether we had someone to help us make sense of our emotions.
Imagine being left out at school, or being scolded in front of others. These moments can leave a mark - especially if there was no one to say, “That must have been so hard. I see why you’re upset. This isn’t your fault.” Without that kind of emotional scaffolding, we’re left to interpret the experience through the lens we’ve got - and often, that lens says: It’s me. I’m the problem.
Sometimes this support is missing because a caregiver is emotionally unavailable, overwhelmed, or navigating their own hardships. In some families, especially those adjusting to life in a new country or culture, the focus is survival. That doesn’t mean our caregivers didn’t love us. But emotional attunement might have been compromised - whether because of language barriers, intergenerational trauma, work demands, or tending to a sibling with greater needs.
None of these circumstances make anyone “bad.” But they can result in a child who grows up feeling unseen, unheard, or emotionally alone.
How These Childhood Beliefs Shape Adulthood
When our early emotional needs go unmet, we often grow into adults who carry invisible burdens. We may:
Personalise others’ moods or behaviour
Feel overly responsible in relationships
Struggle with a chronic sense of not being good enough
Defend against shame by trying to appear confident, accomplished, or unaffected
What looks like narcissism - defensiveness, grandiosity, self-focus…may actually be armour. Adaptive strategies we developed long before we had the words for what was really happening.
That’s why people who seem emotionally distant or self-absorbed often carry a deep vulnerability underneath. One that never had the space to be met with curiosity or care.
Counselling: Rewriting the Old Story
So, are we all narcissists? No - but many of us carry protective patterns that make perfect sense when we understand where they came from.
Counselling offers a space to safely explore those old beliefs and begin to view them with compassion, not judgment. It helps you recognise that your younger self wasn’t flawed - just trying to survive in a world that didn’t always make room for their feelings.
Therapy can support you to:
Understand your patterns without shame
Reclaim parts of yourself that were misunderstood or silenced
Develop a more grounded, flexible relationship with yourself and others
If any of this resonates with you - if you’ve ever wondered where your patterns come from or why certain dynamics feel so familiar - you’re not alone. These questions are often the beginning of deeper self-understanding.
Therapy can offer a space to gently unpack these early experiences, make sense of long-held beliefs, and build a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
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