Parenting Without a Blueprint

Much of my therapy work before having my daughter was about digging into my own stuff, understanding myself better, and healing from trauma. It also prepared me for becoming a mother. And, in many ways, the therapeutic work did help set the stage for what was to come.

BUT, what I didn't quite expect was that a significant chunk of the healing work would unfold WHILE being a mother.

Motherhood took me to places within myself that I had not explored before, even after years of therapy. These news depths were only revealed within the unique parent-child relationship. Having your own child throws you into situations that might resurface old memories or make you see things from a new angle. It's like a seismic shift where the past gets a makeover, revealing new stuff for you to chew on in therapy.

For anyone familiar with toddlers, their emerging desire for autonomy is evident. My daughter's assertion of independence sometimes clashed with my partner's need for firm boundaries and control, triggering an inner turmoil in me. The child within me felt indignant towards him and fiercely protective of my daughter.

It wasn’t until I talked with my therapist about it, was I able to really make sense of what I was experiencing.

As a child, I often felt silenced, with challenging adults resulting in harsh punishment. I was raised to follow the unwritten rule of 'do as I say, not as I do.' The consequences? Growing up not having a voice, struggling to assert my needs, and grappling with trust in my intuition. I didn’t have a strong sense of who I was and I mirrored others because that’s what felt safe to me. My inner voice often told me “If you just behave like a good girl, people wont reject or leave you”. 

How many of us feeling somewhat burdened by the desire to not pass on our trauma to our children?

How many times have you heard that we need to ‘break the cycle’ (of trauma)?

Becoming a parent means healing your child self and honouring the parts of her that needed safety and a voice.
This absence in my own upbringing made me determined to empower my daughter with a voice and the right to assert her needs and boundaries.

I have to admit, it's challenging at times to honour that without inadvertently repeating patterns that once silenced me. I too, am guilty of dismissing my daughter’s needs for autonomy and independence. I certainly don’t get it right every time and really have to check myself sometimes to ask myself “what’s being activated in me right now?”.

Holding ourselves up to these high standards as a parent is NOT sustainable - it will have a ripple effect on you and your family.

Doing parenting differently to what you grew up with is really tough - it’s easy to fall back on old patterns or repeat what you know. Its HARD to learn to be a parent without a blueprint for creating emotionally secure and healthy relationships, because it wasn’t modelled to you. BUT…. it’s not impossible. I am often reparenting myself as I learn to create a unique blueprint for mothering.

If this resonates with you in any way, if you recognise a desire to understand yourself and parent differently, let me walk alongside you as you endeavour to heal, grow and create loving and meaningful relationships with your child/ren. I’ve worked with many parents who are healing themselves whilst parenting and I can assure you that the work is WORTH IT. A healthy family is a source of pride, even for those entering parenthood with ‘baggage’.

“Its HARD to learn to be a parent without a blueprint for creating emotionally secure and healthy relationships, because it wasn’t modelled to you. ”

How do you know if you have some healing work to do?

• You struggle with your child/ren’s distress or anger

• You experience feelings of ambivalence about being a mother

• You know you want to parent differently from what you grew up with

• Your parents/caregivers were not able to meet your emotional needs when you were a child

• You have fractured relationships with your parents/caregivers

• You have difficulty with showing up vulnerably and struggle with other people’s vulnerability

Reparenting yourself whilst parenting can be mentally and emotionally draining, which is why it’s especially important that you are getting support along the way. By working with a Counsellor, you will:

• Cultivate self-compassion, freeing you from constant self-judgement

• Reduce how often you feel triggered by your child/ren

• Heal wounds from childhood

• Show up more present and emotionally available for your child/ren

• Become more attuned to your child/ren’s needs, as a result of becoming more attuned to your own needs

• Empathise with your child/ren more

“So, how do I reparent myself?”, you wonder…

Here are a few ways:

• Make time to nurture yourself in ways that you like to be nurtured

• Check in with your body - notice the sensations in your body and ask yourself what you need in that moment

• Meet your most basic needs for nutrition, hydration and rest

• Make time for movement, whether its walking, yoga, dancing, swimming, etc.

• Establish boundaries eg. say “no” to things, or share the workload with a partner if you can

• Practice self-compassion - when you find yourself being self-judgemental, ask yourself ‘what is my most generous interpretation of why I said/did what I did?’

Wherever you are in your parenthood journey, this includes those of you who are contemplating having children, I am here for you.

Ready to start the work? Make an online booking here.

Or maybe you’re not quite ready to do therapy but want to stay connected and gain more insight. Sign up to my mailing list here!