The Intangible Grief of Childhood Longings
I recently listened to a podcast featuring a Vietnamese Australian trauma therapist, Linda Thai, who shared her personal journey of growing up with refugee parents. It got me thinking about my own experience and the communication challenges I faced with my parents, and how that impacted my sense of self and mental well-being. From early on, I experienced a sense of displacement and disconnection from my cultural roots.
My mum was born in Thailand, and my dad is Chinese, born in Vietnam. While both of them could speak English, they were not very proficient. Interestingly, I became bilingual before the age of five, learning Thai from my mum and Chinese from my dad. But I hadn’t learned to speak English, although I was born in Australia. This didn’t appear to be an issue until I started Kindergarten and wasn’t able to communicate with my peers and teachers.
I started primary school in Balwyn, Melbourne in the 90’s. I was upset that I couldn’t speak English well enough to connect with other children. I wanted to fit in with my peers, most of whom were Anglo-Australians. My mum told me that I came home from school one day and told her I no longer wanted to speak Thai and Chinese. And that was that. Reflecting back, this was the probably my first experience of rejecting aspects of my own culture.
Growing up, I often felt frustrated trying to communicate with my parents. Frustrated about constantly having to repeat myself because they couldn’t understand me, and frustrated that I had to ask them to repeat themselves because I couldn’t understand them. During the podcast, Linda Thai mentioned something that deeply resonated with me. She spoke about grief, not just in relation to tangible losses but also the intangible ones—the things we never had. She emphasised that this grief extends to our inner child, mourning for what was missing. This really resonated with me as I recognise the grief and mourning for my younger self who often struggled to connect with and relate to her parents. I mourn for the child who often felt unseen and misunderstood.
Part of the work in therapy is acknowledging and making space for the intangible kind of grief that we experience from not having the relationships we needed as children. These experiences impact our sense of self and overall well-being, and as a result, impact our adult relationships. By understanding how your past informs your present, you are able to feel more empowered to live life in alignment with who you want to be.
“Part of the work in therapy is acknowledging and making space for the intangible kind of grief that we experience from not having the relationships we needed as children.”
Wherever you are in your healing journey, I am here for you.
Or maybe you’re not quite ready for therapy, but want to stay connected and gain more insight and tips on navigating life and healing from adverse life experiences.
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